fiestaturbo.com

[jayrs]

THE BLONDE PAINTER



This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She said that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . . .



'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.



THE CREDIT CRUNCH



Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and puts it in the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping . . .

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'So do 24 cans of Stella and they’re half the bloody price'



NEW CHURCH



A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.



'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor. 'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'



The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was so overcome with desire that I had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, and passionate. Lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both exhausted.'



The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'we're not welcome in B&Q either.'



NURSES AND THERMOMETERS



A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque out, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well! That's great..........that's just really great.......... some arsehole's got my pen."



CUPBOARD CON MAN



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also returns home unexpectedly, so she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here”.

The man, who obviously got a real fright, not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."



The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."



A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a £1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!



Q. How do you carry your beer when riding your Harley?

[M1K3Y_B]

[- Danny Boy -]

Brilliant!!