fiestaturbo.com

[Tom_S]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Tom_S]

And theres these converstations between air traffic control and aircraft...



Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure . . . by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."



I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crewmember. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa: (In German) Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent: “Because you lost the bloody war”.

[chimp2k2]

p­msl

[vanny magnet]

Its Tuesday

[Tom_S]

Its Tuesday

Ooops!

I read it off another forum before, and just posted the same topic title!

[XR_Craig]

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[fiestakingfisher]

omg those are SO funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JamieFRST]

There good

[elm_us]

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.


ROFLMFAO

[Gaz7]

LOL, i've used the engine missing, found after a brief search one myself at work a few times

The car owners never find it funny

Gareth

[Deca]

Its Tuesday

Pedant

[Swanick]

almost replaced inside tyre

[TJ]

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

pimsle they are excellent, althuogh these two are the best!