fiestaturbo.com

[elm_us]

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
--George Muncaster (Air Force Wisdom)
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
--Geri Jewell

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
--Erma Bombeck

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
--Unknown

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
--Albert Einstein

People who never get carried away should be.
--Malcolm Forbes

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken
--Unknown

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan former First Lady

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
--Cheech Marin

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
--Ken Dodd

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear
--J.B. Morton

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
--Paul Getty

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit
--Robert Tanner

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
--Unknown

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
--Lisa Claymen

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
--Stan Laurel

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
--Edgar Watson Howe

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger
--Franklin P. Jones

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14 Advice from Kids

[InS@nE]

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
--Cheech Marin

how lame but yet funny is that

[FezzyExeter]

nice one!

Like the one about the American survey!

[~Vix~]

[Tom_S]