fiestaturbo.com

[Andyfloss03]

Tommy Cooper - Old But Gold


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'??

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he then?


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man
replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going
to die."

[Ollybee]

Although funny, some of those seem too recent to be from Tommy Cooper.

[Andyfloss03]

Must you criticize everthing i do boy!

[M1K3Y_B]

Must you criticize everthing i do boy!

You should know now that everything has to be perfect for olly

[Ollybee]

With one hand I giveth and the other I taketh away!

[Andyfloss03]

i dont wanna know what you do with your hands in your spare time

[M1K3Y_B]

Sometimes I giveth and sometimes I taketh

If thats what you like to do mate, then i happy for you

[Ollybee]

Sometimes I giveth and sometimes I taketh

If thats what you like to do mate, then i happy for you

[dontpannic]

He's right - Cooper died in '84, Batman Forever was released in... oooh, '95 ish (I think). As for Eurostar - that was around the same time as Batman Forever.

Don't quote me on that!

[Ollybee]

He's right - Cooper died in '84, Batman Forever was released in... oooh, '95 ish (I think). As for Eurostar - that was around the same time as Batman Forever.

[Andyfloss03]

look what you did there....made his head big....hows he gunna get in the car now.

it was an email sen to me...dont shoot the messenger..

[Andyfloss03]

and just to add

i think it was meant to be like tommy cooper "type" jokes...for those who remember ...i.e the delivery of them..

so hush ur lip woman

[Ollybee]

[dontpannic]

and just to add

i think it was meant to be like tommy cooper "type" jokes...for those who remember ...i.e the delivery of them..

so hush [ERRR] lip woman

Cor - you say that now but you could have called them "One-Liners" or something more appropriate.

Unless of course you are incinuating that Tommy Cooper wasn't dead in '84 and continued to make jokes from his hiding place?

[Andyfloss03]

shh dont let the secret out